What exactly is a red leather whip? (Or, as the professionals say, "RLW"?)

Well, for starters, it's red. And leather. Leather made into strips. Strips made for whipping. Designed to hold in your hand, so it has a handle. You flick your wrist, and it makes a satisfying "snap!" sound, that fills some with fear, others with lust, and yet more people with awe.

The RLW is an anomaly. It's versatile. It can fit anywhere. Like in a car trunk, or under a mattress. Small enough that you could even put it in your pocket. (The handle bit, anyway.) The leather is soft to the touch. Go ahead, touch it to your cheek. You like that, eh? So soft. However, if someone smacks you with it, it hurts. How can something so nice to feel be so painful? It's like copping a feel and then getting slapped. Name me five other things that can do that. No, wait, name ten, five might be too easy.

My friend Michael owns the RLW. He takes it with him on trips and shows it to cops when they pull him over. Carrying it around and randomly snapping it in the air (in the courtyard of a respectable university, no less) makes him a hit with the ladies. He gets the womens. It shows assertiveness, manlyness. Nobody can deny how manly Michael is. In fact, here is Manly Michael with the only known (so far) picture of the RLW:

Let us have a moment of silence to bask in such a glory. Ahhhh. There we go.

This, my friends, is nature's greatest gift. Sure, some cows dream of becoming useful things, like catcher's mitts, nice expensive jackets, and steak meals. Woe is the cow who turns in his grave at the thought of being a dirty sexual innuendo. Little does he know, however, that *this* gift brings more pleasure than all the others put together. Oh yeah.

Now for a few personal reflections on the RLW.

By Rene:

If you are inspired and would also like to contribute to the celebration of the RLW, please send poems (no pictures, please).