On December 12 at 3.14 am, my baby, my sister, my kitty cat Princess, died at age 17. She was not sick, she was not in physical pain but I believe she knew the pain that my family and I suffered as we watched this beautiful angel turn into a literal skeleton of herself, watched her fur become natted because she was too tired to groom herself, and watched her begging us for water because of the dehydration in her system. My darling was still so beautiful when she died... so sweet... and she took it all so gracefully, tho I knew inside she was crying for my family and I. She loved us. We loved her. How do you let something that's such an integral part of your life slip away so casually, so quietly? This entire weekend has been a rollercoaster of emotions, from hope ("What if she's just sick?") to disbelief ("The vet says she has 2-3 days to live, at the most") to guilt ("What if I would have just stayed home instead of going to college?") to sadness ("She's always been there for me when I was sick, by my side, I can't even be there for her, during her ultimate sickness") to grief ("I'm so sorry baby, I love you, I'm so sorry Princess, you're so beautiful") to peace ("You don't have to see her if you don't want to Stacy, but she's so beautiful, just like she's always been"), finally, knowing she was in a better place and neither us nor she had to suffer any longer.
I couldn't do anythign for her except beg for forgiveness and tell her how pretty, how beautiful she was, and how much I loved her because no matter how many times I wispered it in her ear as she lay on my mom's bed, wrapped in a towel, I didn't know if she really knew the depth of my adoration for her. And when I walked in the room to finally say goodbye (I was not in the room when she died - I couldn't bear it - my mom was with her to the end, and loved her like she's never loved before, I'm sure) she managed to raise up her head and meow at me... something she hadn't done in a day and a half. I didn't think she had it in her. She did this... for ME... to tell me "Hey dear, I know you, and I'm so glad you haven't forgotten me already. I love you." I wept over her with my tears falling down her fur like I used to years, months, weeks ago when I had a painful event in my life happen - she was always there, sitting, watching me with her soulful eyes and telling me "It's alright honey, I'm here, just let it all out." And now, the urgency... She loved me with all her heart and she meant the world to me. I loved that cat more than life itself. Her life's been taken from her compassionately, and tho it hurts me to no end, I need to move on.
When the morning broke, she was taken to an animal hospital, along with her possessions - her blanket, her towels she was sleeping in, her water bowl, and perhaps most heartwrenching, the box she used to sleep in every night before she started getting sick a few weeks back. From there they cremated her and her belongings, spreading her ashes along the pet cemetary with a little memorial. I didn't go. I was too broken up inside to do it. I was too broken up to even hear my girl's beautiful fur was going to be incinerated to ashes. I didn't see her after she died. I couldn't bear it. I just asked my mother - who I do believe is the most kind and compassionate woman on the face of this earth - if she would tell Princess goodbye and that I loved her one last time before she went. Mom cried, which is rare for her - I've only see her cry three times in my life. And altho I'm sure it was painful for her, Mom honoured my wishes, and told me once again, Princess looked so peaceful, and thru the mouring I had to remember she wasn't suffering anymore.
I made this page as a tribute to my girl. I could not go without making this. What she's done for me completely outweighs a simple memorial to her, I wish I could make it up, and if this is the only way then I will. If I've bored you already, you don't have to look at the pictures, but I really wish you would... I want the world to see this gorgeous feline in all her glory, when the shadow of death wasn't hovering over her soul.
Princess, darling, if you're out there, if you can see me, please know how much I love you - more than simple words can even start to express - and, if nothing else, I want to see you when I die, because I don't think I could spend eternity without you.
Thanks for reading.
The pictures of my little Princess
First off, I'd like to thank Alexandra (A) for the kitty background tessellation she did. It's no longer used on this page anymore, but it was so pretty that I used it for a long, long time. A gift for art and a unique love for cats... what more could any cat want in a human? Thanks girl!
More special thanks to A, Angie, Donnie and Sam and all my other wonderful friends for supporting me during a time when I didn't know what was in store and was too emotionally distraught to think of much else, and very special thanks to my Mum, who has given me much more courage right now than I ever dreampt of having. I love you all.