Who are you?
My real name is unimportant. Just call me mayonessa. I am just a poor girl, coming from the , and I like the webcam. That is all.
Why are you doing this?
In a funny sorta way, I'm an exhibitionist. But the real reason? Money. Lots and lots of money.
Is that really you?
Sometimes it's me. Other times, it may be my ravenous twin sister, Shelley.
Why are you so important that I should watch your webcam?
I am the all important Queen of Condiments. You must watch me. You must bow down to me. You WILL be enthralled by me, dammit! (And if you're not, for the last time, no g**damn refunds!)
Just what, pray tell, do the Italians think of this?
It's simply the rave in Italy. Here's what all the Italians are saying...
Will you get nekkid for me?
No. Let me rephrase that: HELL no.
Who's that dood who sometimes appears in the background with you?
That's my hubby, Sam. If you see him, say hi, he won't say anything back... and be sure to thank him, he's the one who gave me the cam since it didn't work on his computer anymore. :) Yay for ComCraps!
Who's that cat that sometimes appears out of nowhwere?
Is it white or black? The white-ish calico coloured thing is the one we call "Chianna". The Black tortous-shell type cat is the one we refer to as "Etcetera". The multi-coloured cat is usually me.
Will you show me the cat(s)?
Neither of them, especially Chianna (who hates to be held) usually don't feel up to sitting in front of the cam til it takes another pic, but maybe, just maybe... if yer lucky!
How often do you get on cam?
As often as I possibly can... usually later in the evening, anywhere from about 8pm - 2am. (2am times are only on days I'm unemployed or weekends, natch.)
I want to talk to you/I have a question/Other. How can I get ahold of you?
Questions? comments? Wanna yell at me? E-mail me then, buggah!

If you wanna chat, I can be found on IRC, on DalNet or Undernet (whichever works), on #mayocam. If you don't know what the hell IRC is, then you're in trouble. A brief instruction of how to get on irc is here. BTW, I don't do voice chats and/or Netmeeting. Don't ask.

Oh, and ICQ: 134245670. No sex talk. Bastards.
What's with the signs?
One of my old friends in high school, Miranda, her dad and sister were deaf. So she taught me a bunch of sign language so I could communicate with them. The satanic looking sign means "I love you", and the middle finger means "Peace be with you".
Where are the shots of you stuffing your face with fatty foods?
Those are in the members area (There is no members area). For just $29.99 a month, you can watch mayo shove anything from beef jerky to greasy McDonald's burgers and fries in her mouth! Join now and get the "creamypizzahut.avi" everyone's talking about! Thank you, drive thru!
How does it feel to be the biggest celebrity since Elvis, and do you plan on expiring on the pot like the famed "King of Rock 'n Roll"?
First off, I feel like one meeeelion dollars, especially since i look green and have a rather large birthmark in the shape of Harry Truman on my ass. I will expire on the pot when I make my last movement. It'll be a biggun... I can't leave the billions of my precious fans without some piece of me.
Mayo, I'm a poor and lonely soul, is there any chance of seeing Etcetera naked on the Mayocam?
I will only say this once: There is NO KITTY PORN on my webcam. Got it? All you sickos can get your kicks somewhere else!
When can I expect shots of you staring blankly at the computer screen with warm drool running down your glazed over face?
Are you kidding? That's all that the mayoCam is! If you're not seeing them, the monitor isn't turned on. Press your "power" button on the monitor. Ahhhh, there we go.
Mayo, I hear that you supported Hitler's extermination of the Jews, for example on June 21, 1998 an ICQ message was intercepted where you stated that "I never liked beans[jews] anyways." Would you clarify?
I am NOT Mexican, ok? All ethnicities are welcome to view MayoCam. Now, extermination of Mormons is a different story...
Do you plan on putting your cat on camera? Your parents? Your FRIENDS? Fuck, where is it going to end? Pretty soon you'd have EVERYONE online... to hell with Big Brother, you're the root of everyone being watched! Oh yeah, and do you have any plans for the Mayocam to autorefresh? Thank you for your time.
My cat is my business. My parents are scared of shiney things. I have no friends, and the ones I do may pop if too close to a heat source. How DARE you even mention B*g Br**her in the same question as MayoCam! For shame! Do you want me to revoke your viewing privelages? DO YOU? You motherfucking pig, you make me SICK! And I tried autorefresh once, it wouldn't refresh the picture on most test subjects' browsers. So, until I can figure out a code for a nicer, cleaner refresh, you'll have to get your hand back on the mouse and click on the "Refresh" button yourself. No no no - Thank you.
Wave to me, damnit!
Rephrase your answer in the form of a question.
Were you punished as a small child everytime you smiled? Because you never smile on the camera. :-\
Not every time. Only when I was in the presence of other children. I'll always remember the playground incident... My grandma watching from the other side of the chain link fence, in her black Lincoln with the tinted windows... She'd drive by slowly, slowly. One time she caught me, on the swings. I tried to tell her it was just gas, but she wouldn't listen. I still have upholstery burns... They BURN! They BURN!
Hi, I've only been surfing the net a few yearsand I feel I'm catching on pretty quick, but what does FAQ mean anyways?
It's an ancient Chinese symbol that means "Ye of little brains".
My eyes have become fixed in a forward position, what can I do to fix this?
What do I look like? A g**damned optometrist? Get a pair of pliers, rip them out of your skull, and reposition them.
I think the picture's talking to me.... little help?
Don't worry, this is perfectly normal. If the picture isn't talking to you, then there's something wrong.
AAAAAAGH! SSSSSTOP SSSSTARING AT MEEEEEE!!!!
Stop staring at me first! All of you! You're all watching me! I feel so self-conscious! No, NOOOOOOO!
How come you never pick your nose on the camera? because you look like someone who wouldn't be above pickin' her nose. P.S. would you get nekkid for us?
I pick my nose on camera. I really do. If you don't believe me, check out the Hall of Shame. And no, I will never get naked. Ever. Even in the shower.
How often do you get off on the cam?
Why, every night. I have to get off MayoCam sometime. ... ... Oh.
That Sam guy looks like a jerk, why not hook up with me BAY-BE!!! come up to my "Luv Shaq" and get it ON with me and my other beer drinkin' buddies!!!! WOO HOOOOO!!!!
Does Shaq know you're using his name for your whorehouse boredello ranch? I think he should file lawsuit!
Who's typing? The girl or the cat?
If I told you, then the magic would be gone. Like if Howdy Doody started hurling curse words at the stunned audience of children.
I heard something about you and an oven, could you clarify?
Not without written consent from the FBI.
Why don't you sell the camera and give the money to starving folks in Somalia? Selfish arrogant exhibitionist BITCH
That wouldn't be fair to the folks who AREN'T starving in Somalia, now, would it? I'm a fair person; I can't give my money to the starving people and not give some to the people who want a new 40" tv. Equal opportunist cam I run. If you don't like it, go to Somalia, sacrifice yourself, and let those poor starving idiots have you for dinner!
Just how ticklish are you?
As long as you don't wave your fingers around the screen near my cheek, I'll be... TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE TEE TEE HEE HEE HEE STOP IT!
Spank me?
You first.
Am I gonna get to see this FAQ page?
After the battery acid begins cooling off, your eyes may focus slightly, then yes, you will.
What's the Square root of 3?
Now, I'm no math whiz, but I do believe it's... *counts on fingers* 1.73205080756887729352744634150587...
I was, like... um... ummmmmmmm... wait. Hold on. Oh yeah! I was at, like, um, Gap yesterday, and I thought, like, "Like, let's go to Old Navy! Maybe they had some khaki capris!" So, like, I left and, um, on the way there, I passed by this, like, poster store. So, right, I looked in, and OH MY GOD! Guess what I saw? Like, a poster of N Syncc! Like, Justin Timberlake is, like, so hot! Don't ya, like, agree?
*Blinks eyes a few times, tries to grasp the stupidity, fumbles around on the keyboard for 5 minutes* Uh... no.
Queen of Condiments? Then tell me, oh "Queen", what is the proper ration of relish to relish juice? Hmmm? Pfft, I thought so.... *snicker*
Relish is a wannabe condiment. I cut off all ties with the Relish community in 1982. I refuse to comment.
What's with the giant yarn wig?
I have this Raggety Andy fetish...
How many enemas do you do an hour? :P
Due to many different uses of tobasco sauce, I've been advised by my advisor not to do the enemas anymore. It'll take years for me to shit out the fudgecicles anyway, even AFTER the Windex-ing, so sorry, no more of that.
Now that the Mayocam is up and running I can tell exactly when you're at home and when you aren't. You have made my goal of stalking you much easier. With this in mind, could you put on the handcuffs that should be arriving around the 8th of this month and lie helpless outside your front door in the bushes? because it would make my life much easier. I was never good at breaking and entering. :-\
I've always had a motto in life, and that's "If you don't work hard, you'll never reach your goals". I suggest you try this with smaller children first (they're much easier to keep quiet), and then work your way up. But one word of advice: Fat people are harder to kidnap.
I notice the bulk of your pageviews come from a single computer in Southeastern Oklahoma. WTF is up with that guy? I mean, shit... is he a loser or a stalker or what?
That's Sam's brother. He has a "thing" for goats, even tho I've repeatedly told him I'm not one. Some guys just don't get the whole "species" concept.
I can see you but never heard you. :-( I wish there were something to do to help but I guess being mute is something you just have to get used to isn't it? Could I spring for a voicebox electronic war-vet thingy for you or something to ease your pain?
Why pay for one when you could steal one? Stephen Hawking has a VERY nice setup there. Take a frying pan to his head, dismantle it, and send it to me!
Hi, I added you to my ICQ, I found your number at the bottom of the Mayocam and I just have to ask: Did you really lose your last name in 'Nam? Because my dad fought over there and he had relations with a few of those girls and I think you might be my sister.
*begins choking up* Please... don't bring up the 'Nam thing. It's still very painful.
Yes ma'am, I was wondering, where do you put in the credit card information to see the naked pictures?
See the address bar at the top of the browser? Put it in there. Yeah, right there. Now hit enter. It should work. What? Try it again, then! You must've typed in the wrong #! Try again. Hmm. Well, you must be using a stolen credit card then. It won't work with a stolen credit card.
How does that healthy green glow you bask in effect your appearance under normal light conditions?
It makes me look really white. Like milk. I glow. It makes me sad, cos people think I'm made of some type of nuclear substance. Especially when the glow starts pulsating, and smoke comes out of my nostrils.
And again, SSSSSSSSTOP SSSTARING AT MEEEEEEE!!!!
No way, Jose! I'm not gonna lose another $5 bet!
I see you hold up the sign with "BRB" on it... why do you care who Boinks Ron Brenner? Because he's my cousin and all and I have to defend his honor.
I am his mother. I have a right to know who my son is screwing, and how much I can get taken out of my taxes from all the babies he produces per year.
Are you a Satanist? Cos you're always doing that "Pentagram" sign before you shut off the webcam.
I am not a Satanist. You have "Satanist" and "Journalist" confused again. When will you people ever learn?

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# of Nuggets of Wisdom Cast Forthe: 46