Name: It starts with an S, has a few letters in there, and ends with a letter that's sometimes a vowel.

Also Known As: mayonessa. I am the one true Queen of Condiments. Don't be fooled by imitations, people!

What are you?: I dunno. You tell me.

Date of Birth: November 9, 1980. Buy me shit!

Date of Death: March 30, 1987

What's your sign, baby?: "Exit only"

Height: Below average

Weight: Just big enough to make your big butt look bigger than my big butt

Eyes: The same colour as a nice, steaming pile of shit.

Hair: Long and subject to change in 13 of 24 states.

Where I'm Located: 6th layer of Hell

Schooling: High school graduate (1999), college dropout (1999). Now I'm a college dropin (2005). Look mighty impressed.

Family: I have two dads. I'm the girl they patterened "My Two Dads" from. Seriously!

Pets: Cats. I currently have two cats. There's Etcetera, a tortie, and Miscellaneous, who woefully does not have any pictures up of her. Chianna, a calico, now belongs to my husband. I miss her, but not her need to psychologically torture me with urination.

I also had a GigaPet (it was a cat) named BillySean when I was 17. (I named it after a guy I liked... one of those creepy stalkerish "from a distance" crushes, nothing major), but it died 1/3/98. :( It was such a cute little kitty... 15 years old, 68lbs.

I wanna see your pic: Shameless, whoreful plug.

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Friends: Oh boy! Shouts out to my real life friends (really? You have real life friends Stacy?)... uh... let me think up some names here...

Love to Ginger, Andrea, Beth, Zoe, Tristan, John B., Tim, John C., Kyle, Jimmy, Helen, Megan, Celina, Dave and Jay. Did it sound like I really meant that? Like I really know those people? Well... good.

Net friends: This section is rather tricky. 'Net friendships tend to swim in and out of the picture depending on lots of different factors (the largest one being a so-called "real life" - shame on you for thinking such a thing exists!). So these may be obsolete. Even if they are, you won't know tho, will you? >:D

You can see my recently talked to friends on Page des Amis (shameless plug!). There are also quite a bit of friends who have disappeared, and I've made a page for them too: Page des Disparus. If you've actually seen any of these people, please call the FBI. And email me, for crying out loud.

Best friend: I have a special someone who needs mentioning. It's Alexandra! My Canadian friend, eh? We met via my Cats site, and over time she's become more than just an obsession-induced acquaintance. Who wouldn't love this girl? She's given me understanding, recipes, and the girl can draw like... uh... like N'Sync can make teenage girls throw themselves into sugar-induced hysteria just at the sound of their name. I forgive her for liking Sailor Moon. And thanks for hugging Celina for me. You're such a sweetheart, Lexxers. :)

Our motto is Best friends: Worth the STDs.

Enemies: I know, I know. It's really tacky to include a list of *enemies* on a web page. (I could have made a page of enemies to counter my page des amis... which was even tackier!).

I'm lying. There aren't really any enemies. The only enemy out there is the wannabe condiment of relish.

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[21:24] mayonessa: i've hit the hobbies section, and i'm looking at it wondering what the hell to do with it ;)
[21:24] project ligsy: put stuff about your hobbies in it ;)
[21:24] mayonessa: holy fuck, that's brilliant ;)

My hobbies are simple, and nerdy. Computers, music, tv and art. To put it bluntly, I don't leave the house (or shower, but that's not for you to know).

*Computers*

I first got into computers at the age of 4 or 5. My dad (uh, the first one) used to bring home a computer from his work and let me play games on it. It was a monochrome screen, and let's face it, in 1984 PCs didn't exactly have the best software. I ended up using the word processor software and a MS Paint-ish program called "Dr. Halo" to draw pictures. Then I'd save the stories I wrote onto a floppy disk (5 3/4", baby). My dad also loved using it himself, and wrote programs in Basic for fun.

Later I got a 286 (with 64k of ram! Feel the burn!) and even later I talked my dad into a Pentium. From then on I've been addicted.

At the risk of making this short... I like every aspect of the Internet. IRC, Usenet, web design, e-mail, all of it. Despite the fact that I generally lurk in places, I made a bunch of friends on Usenet and IRC.

You might remember me from alt.music.spice-girls. I began posting there in late 1997, and became one of the "regulars" of the group, one of the people who posted so often that I made a Usenet abuse list. Go me! I stopped posting seriously sometime around 1999 - 2000, but even now I still lurk there and pop up when I feel like it, but unfortunately amsg is dead. Sometimes I also posted to alt.fan.silly.putty and alt.binaries.pens-pencils. I mainly stuck with amsg tho, and some of my closest friends have come from there.

I have a longer history on IRC. My first regular stop there used to be #okc on EFnet. Eventually I turned to a private server that Netcom used to host, and had a fairly popular channel called (surprise) #mayonessa there. After Netcom crashed and burned, I turned to #amsg (the official chat room of alt.music.spice-girls) on Undernet and later DalNet. Now I really only hang out on IRC sometimes, when my friends threaten to set me on fire, in #leglesswhores on freenode.net. I'm always on as mayonessa, so if you see me, drop me a line or something. Really, I'll talk with a wall, and often have.

I used to have a bot on #amsg. She was a bar bot that I tweaked into a regular, and my friend Donnie and I had control of her. She gave wonderful enemas, too. I've left out her name for legal reasons.

Recently I've become more interested in computer parts and operating systems. Last year I successfully built my own computer. It went without a hitch, nothing exploded or blinded me, nothing substantial was set on fire (the cat's fur grew back). Maybe someday I'll post pictures, but, eh. That would take effort. I've also occasionally dipped a bit into Linux Mandrake. I installed Yellow Dog Linux on my iBook... and then used it once. There is an old, decrepit box I can use for a Linux box on its own, but that requires money, something of which I don't have unless I want to get in the lucrative business of being a crack whore. Someday I'll have something substantial to say about Linux, but right now? Hell no.

Somehow I fell in love with Apple products. I have these grandiose dreams of turning a G4 iMac into a table centerpiece, a Blueberry iMac into a toaster oven, and a Mac 128k into a... litterbox. Now I own a G4 iBook and a 3rd generation iPod and iLovetheshitoutofthem. iKnow iAmnotoriginal with these stupid iJokes. Sigh. I also have a horrendous habit of pointing out any Mac on any tv show or commercial or street sign. Recently I was in a Kinko's and there was a cardboard cutout of a man and he was holding a G4 PowerBook. All I could do was stand and point and say "POWERBOOK!" like a retarded three year old. Now I know why Mac fans are so rabid... their IQ drops as soon as they see something shiny and they drool all over themselves. And I am becoming one of them.

*Music*

I can listen to pretty much everything... *except* rap (isn't Puff Daddy a good enough reason to *not* listen?) I also don't really care for country or some of the pop crap that's out there, but I can tolerate it. My basic theory on music is: If it has a melody, and isn't pure shit, I'll listen to it. I rule out absolutely nothing. Tho I tend to appreciate things that make me think more, or things that aren't necessarily normal, I fully admit with no shame that I listen to the Spice Girls. Lack of substance can be fun.

My favourite band used to be Smashing Pumpkins. (If you know lots of their stuff, you'll see the references in all my pages.) I went thru a two or three year period where they were basically all that I listened to, and I collected all the vinyl and obscure stuff of theirs that I could like a good rabid fan. There will always be a soft spot in my heart for them, especially for their albums Siamese Dream, Mellon Collie and Machina. Their music got me thru a lot of hard times in my life, and was the inspiration for the nickname "mayonessa". Beautiful is the only word to describe their music.

Nowadays my musical intake is more broad, and my favourite band is They Might Be Giants. I've listened to them for years, since 1994 when John Henry came out. (I originally thought they were Satanic;) Their quirky style is one I could listen to all day, their ample amount of songage keeps me constantly interested, and their lyrics make me stop and think. Plus they made a children's album.

And I LOVE WEIRD AL YANKOVIC!!! It's so true! His songs are hilarious, he's an excellent performer and without a doubt the nicest man in show business. He makes popular radio hits listenable. His original songs are the funniest things in the world. And he's just so cute. Besides that, how many performers can sing about how Santa goes on a sadistic killing spree and nuclear war at Christmas time? Any man who can redo a Puff Daddy song is a hero. My hero he is, indeed.

Other musical interests include: a few musicals (mainly "Cats" and "Phantom of the Opera"), Garbage, Weezer, Alanis Morissette, Franz Ferdinand, Geri Halliwell, Zwan, Counting Crows, Tool, The Dresden Dolls, James Iha, Morrissey, Evanescence, Vacuum, Lisa Loeb, Eminem, Tom Lehrer, Chemical Brothers, Françoise Hardy, Gorillaz, Moby, The Starlight Mints, Underworld, Green Day, No Doubt, Kimaira, Spice Girls, The Killers, Radiohead, Great Big Sea, Tenacious D, Savage Garden, Splashdown, The Smiths, Chainsaw Kittens, The White Stripes, Muckaferguson, The Verve, Dido, ... the list could go on and on.

*Television*

Unfortunately, with the sad state television is in today (i.e. all the crappy ass rehashed sitcoms), I rarely watch any of it anymore. However, television was my first love, and if I didn't eventually buy a computer to sit my ass in front of, I'd be sitting my ass in front of the tv. As a funny side note, I'm not a fan of movies. My attention span isn't that long anymore, I can only sit still for a one hour show at most. Hey look, there's a bird outside!

So, yeah. It started in the early 80's when I watched all those wonderfully bad cartoons during the Saturday morning lineup (whatever happened to that anyway? Keeps kids off the streets, damnit). In fact, I'd like to take a moment and remember a few of them right now:

Garfield and Friends (duh), Scooby Doo, the Thunder Cats, My Little Ponies (I had the whole freakin' Pony town in the spare bedroom...it's all in a closet now), The Wuzzles, the Care Bears, He-Man and She-Ra (I wrote a letter to She-Ra once and got a reply), The Smurfs ("That's Smurfletastic!"), the Snorks, and the Pink Panther.

Ok, enough sappy shit. I was brought up on the 80's sitcoms like Cheers, Laverne and Shirley, Happy Days, Mork and Mindy, and Taxi. Around the time I was in 7th grade, I fell in love with the late night talk shows, including Late Show with David Letterman (big assed canned hams! Top ten lists!), Conan O'Brien (I admittedly had a HUGE crush on him), and Later with Greg Kinnear (believe it or not, he did the talk show host thing VERY well). Among the talk shows I also secretly loved Richard Bey, and will always maintain that he did the trashy talk show circuit better than anyone in the world. I STILL miss his show. (On that same note, I loved Talk Soup during the Skunk Boy years.)

For awhile I liked the Teletubbies. I seem to have a affinity for bad British pop culture sometimes. This show is *SO* hilarious. I mean, it's so dumb you just have to laugh. My favourite Tubby is LaaLaa, aka Attention Deficit Disorder Tubby. I also love Po (Narcoleptic Tubby) altho I don't approve of her homophobic tendancies towards Tinky Winky, the Gay Tubby (or maybe he's bi?). I can't stand Dipsy. I think he's a Nazi. And I'm waiting for the day Baby Sun supernovas. But that's just me.

At this point I'm a poor college student, so cable isn't really an option. I love Survivor and Amazing Race, and that basically comprises the entire spectrum of what I watch on television. Besides those, I'm still addicted to cartoons. A few (hahah) cartoons I like, some of which I'd watch if I could acquire a stolen cable connection: The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Space Ghost, Home Movies, South Park, Duckman, Futurama, Ren and Stimpy (mainly the John K. years), Beavis and Butthead, Daria, The Oblongs, Mission Hill, Dr. Katz, The Critic, and pretty much anything on Adult Swim (with exception to the anime shows - I generally dislike anime) on Cartoon Network: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Brak Show, Sealab 2021, Harvey Birdman... To be honest, cartoons geared towards an older audience seem to be a lot more interesting and have a lot more to work with than any live action show could offer. But that's just me, and I'm a picky little shit.

*Art*

I love to draw, I love creating things and making things. I love details. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at it.

If you're bored and want a good laugh, my art is here. Suckers.

I primarily work with Prisma Pencils and acrylic paints, and watercolour pencils work wonders, but sometimes I just do stuff in pencil. Some mediums I really would rather never work in again include standard watercolour and oil pastels. But I do own watercolours AND oil pastels in case the mood ever strikes me. It hasn't.

I enjoy pointilism even tho I don't do it much. Yes, I have the patience.

I admittedly don't know much about many artists (my art class in high school was severly underfunded and that led to lack of books on such topics, plus there are shitloads of art periods and artists), but I love art from the Renaissance and the Impressionists and Post-Impressionists. Leonardo's work (his stuff is so perfect it makes me drool), and even moreseo Raphael's work. Raphael made the most innocent looking people. Uh, what else? Oh, I also like Van Gogh's stuff. The texture he used is incredible. Yes, I like being able to feel paintings up. And, of course, where would a pointilism lover be without knowing Georges Seurat's work?

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Childhood Junk: I was born in Riverside, California to a tribe of monkeys. Uh... right. I moved to Flowermound, Texas when I was ohh...3 or 4. From there I came to Oklahoma, and I lived there until January of 2005, when I moved to a suburb of Chicago. Growing up I lived in a total of 6 houses and gone to a total of 7 schools. ...And people wonder why I'm deranged.

Random Bitch: I used to want to go to university at University of Toronto, but I ended up at Oklahoma Christian University instead. After a one semester stint there majoring in information systems, dealing with teachers who were obviously on the ol' crack pipe, I left. Recently I decided to go back to school, starting anew. Despite the many things I considered majoring in (clinical psych, computer science, graphic design), I decided I want to do mortuary science. Yes, that means I want to work with dead people. They don't say much and you never see the same person twice. My dream job!

Job: So far all I've had are shit jobs. For about three years I was stuffing envelopes at an unnamed state agency in Oklahoma. (Altho not from home, as that site suggests - I actually go outside and go to a building to work, and it's "legit" envelope stuffing.) You can think I'm kidding all you want, but it's the sad truth.

Religious Beliefs: I'm a Christian, and God is my number one priority over everything. You might be shocked, but it's true! Especially when I curse like a fuckin' sailor. I go to a Luthern church. However, I realise we're all human, and I don't go around condemning people for evil things or whatever. I even disagree with the death penalty.

Favorite Food: I'm not the kind of person who can eat the same thing over and over and over and over again, so it depends. I love chalupas from Taco Bell. I like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Greek food is high up on my "good stuff" list, especially pita and hummus. God, I do love hummus. I'm also a Chinese food freak. Oh, and cheese! EVERYTHING tastes better with cheese. Believe me.

Also... Oreo balls are better than sex.

Addiction: Caffeine. I start stabbing people if I don't have it. I don't drink coffee, but anything else is game. Dr. Pepper, Coke, Mountain Dew, Red Bull and any other variety of extremely shitty tasting energy drink. Or an IV directly into a major vein. Whatever works to get me my fix. I like to wrap my mouth around some nice, refreshing Bawls.

An Unabated List of Things I Love: My brother. The scent of vanilla. Garfield. Blue eyes. Scottish Fold kitty cats. Canada (don't ask me why, eh?). Cheese. The colours green and purple. Taking a nice, healthy dump. Chicago. Winter. My mom.

Languages I Know (kinda-sorta): Does Pig Latin count as a language? Well, it does now, Pedro. Oh, add French to that list. I completed four years of French in high school, and use it whenever I have the chance. I can say neato little phrases such as:

J'ai un poisson sur ma tête.
Je ne parle pas français.
J'habite en une corbeille.
Je suis un grand poulet.
Il fait du vent dans mon pantalon.
Je porte des pantalons cuir.
Ma cochon a mangé ma bicyclette!

What the hell do they all mean?... Translate 'em for yourself!

Also, count Sign Language in. My friend Miranda has a dad who's deaf, so I've built up a fair vocabulary of sign language (200-300 words or so). I sign and read slowly, but I *can* do it. I've retained a fair amount of my knowledge, despite not actually talking in it for a few years now.

An Unabated List of Things I Hate: Spiders! I honestly think spiders are little spawns of Satan straight from the bowels of hell. I've had spiders fall on me from the ceiling when I wasn't looking, crawl in my coats that were carelessly strewn on the floor, and *worst of all*, I've had them jump on me while I was changing clothes (I learned to never leave clothes lying on the floor after that). I also hate hypocrites, predjudice of any form, impatient people, people that can't drive for shit (which is, unfortunately, 99% of the population), stupid people (which is also around the same percentage of folks), that tv show Full House, and papercuts.

Allergies: Mold. Strawberries. Shellfish. Other seafood. Penicillin. Pine trees. I'm a lot of fun at parties.

Things I Worry About: That the people I love the most don't know how much I adore them. I tell them, but I'm *still* not sure they know. I worry that I'll never do anything halfway important with my life. Also, I spend a lot of time worrying about the Pillsbury Doughboy. What the hell is he exactly?? Why is he so obsessed with people poking him in the stomach? Does he ever walk around the streets at night chanting "Poke me!"? Is it just me, or does his little giggle make anyone else think Mr. Doughboy is a closet homosexual? Come on out, Doughboy, the charade is over.

Other Random Things You Probably Did Not Know Until Right Now: I was scared of Fruit Rollups as a child. I can put both legs behind my head like a human pretzel. I shat myself while I was in Houston (in 2001)... in public. I can write words and letters backwards with no effort. One time I made flannel shorts in a sewing class, and I got stuck to my flannel sheets when I wore them to bed. I can't cook to save my life, I burn cereal. At one point, I was addicted to Anbesol.

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If you have any comments, questions, complaints, a bitch about a broken link, or you just want to tell me how damn boring this page is, write me at mayonessa@mayonessa.com Go ahead, tell me what you feel, I can take it....

The background on this page came from Ace of Space. The bars and the cat icon at the top came from The Graphics Station. And, the cute little icon of the cat writing is from Cool Cat Icons. Someday I'll buy a tablet and draw pictures for everything else.

This page was finished on 2/28/98 (over two months of work just for you, not that you care) and last updated on 2/23/05 @ 10:56 pm (it's about friggin' time, eh!). Everything here is © 1998 - 2004, mayonessa. Except the Pillsbury Doughboy. Steal it and face the wrath.