Lookie here, I'm updating the Friends Page rant. The old one still eluded to Geocities. I was 5 when this page was last on Geocities.

So I guess I should say something interesting since you've wandered here (you drunk?). These are my friends, blah blah blah. Yes, I have friends. No, I didn't make them up and search Google to find pictures that I thought might look good with them. These are really real people. Visit their websites. (Plug, plug.)

This page is now divided up because of two factors. Factor A: Length of time between talking to friends. B: Length of page. So there's the Page des Amis ("Page of Friends") and Page des Disparus ("Page of the Disappared"). Aren't I clever? no Page des Amis contains current friends, Page des Disparus contains the OLD friends pages. Some people are on the old friends pages AND the new pages simply because they all gave clever replies and I can't stop myself from deleting them.

Please note the Page des Disparus is VERY large. The html document is ~80k, and it does contain a hefty amount of images. I also added little snippets of where they disappeared to. If you're one of these people and for any reason you want your profile removed, let me know. I'll do it, but I'll be muttering four letter words behind your back. Because damnit, I AM a good friend.

If you're a friend of mine and you're reading this and didn't get a new profile, fill out this form and send it to me. I'd be more than happy to add you. On that same token, if you're a friend of mine and I DID e-mail you the new profile, why the hell didn't you turn it in? Do you WANT me to fail? Do you take pleasure in seeing me stammer and struggle to do for you kids? You make me sick. Use me and dump me, that's all you people ever do. Errr... Time for my meds. Again.

Click on the friend you want to see, and a magical fairy will transport you to their profile!!! >8)

(If it's up, anyway)

Alexandra ~ Dani ~ Donnie ~ Gail ~ Jarod ~ Michael ~ Ogilthorpe ~ Philip ~ Rene



Cheezrulez.com

Name: Alexandra
Net alias(se): *asterix*, Obsidia
Superhero name: la countesse de fromage
Website whorage: http://www.cheezrulez.com
Date of birth: 06/20/84
Number of years online: 6
Where do you hail from?: Vancouver, BC
How did you meet mayonessa?: 1999 - emailed her concerning posting up my CATs fan art on The Home of the Jellicles, eachanged a few more emails after that & was not warded off by her self proclaimed uber-bitch status, discoverred a mutual love for cats, wierd Al and Garfield and a mutual distate for the human race... The rest is history :)
Condiment of choice: tartar sauce
Favourite American Gladiator: ...
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: brie or well aged parmesan
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: turkey sandwich
Grace us with a haiku:

vimto and brownies
bijou wears a baby-t
we smile until dawn

Best bodily function: regulated bile excretion
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): koala
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: Scary Spice. see old bio for reference to female rum tum tugger... Also, who doesn't like being able to see someone's tonsils in every existing photo of them?
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: we have no ihop. I am sad.
Favourite non-descript man pose: being smacked over the head with the parking lot bar will always hold a special place in my heart
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: it looks slimming on manatees, and not being a manatee, consequently Bob does not care to know
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: see old profile for recipes.

3 moose and a black bear wanderred through the site today. I bet they would make delicious stew.

See Alexandra's old profile!

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Scrumptiously Crunchable

Name: dani
Net alias(se): dani dear + supadani = supadanidear!
Superhero name: supadani! wow, this is only the third question and i've already repeated myself. this is a bad sign.
Website whorage: http://crunchable.mayonessa.com - scrumptiously crunchable! stacy is the best host. ever.
Date of birth: 04/06/1986
Number of years online: 5?
Where do you hail from?: oh, canada!
How did you meet mayonessa?: through alexandra. our first conversation involved indecent exposure, halter tops, lsd, and israeli snack foods (marshmallow head!)
Condiment of choice: ranch dressing. especially with pizza.
Favourite American Gladiator: blaze! that show truly rocked my world.
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: neufchâtel cheese is the shit.
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: syphilis. it causes dementia, paralysis,and blindness!
Grace us with a haiku:

for a moment i
even touched the sky; how could
i have been so blind?

(hey, it rhymes!)

Best bodily function: sneezing.
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): emu.
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: emma. i like her hair. her dresses, too. her voice is the least vexing.
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: in the middle of the night. 2-ish.
exhaustion! yum!
Favourite non-descript man pose: i enjoy the "death by coke machine" warning symbol. why are those lightning bolts shooting towards his head?
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: green is the only reasonable alternative. bob doesn't know because bob isn't listening.
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: Mocha Layer Cake!

Prep: 30 minutes
Bake: 33 minutes

Ingredients:
1 Pkg. (2-layer size) chocolate cake mix, any variety
1 Pkg. (4-serving size) JELL-O® Chocolate Flavor Instant Pudding & Pie Filling
4 Eggs
1 Container (8 oz.) BREAKSTONE® Sour Cream
1/2 Cup oil
1/2 Cup water
3/4 Cup GENERAL FOODS INTERNATIONAL COFFEES®, any flavor, divided
1 Pkg. (8 squares) BAKER'S® Semi-Sweet Baking Chocolate, divided
2 Cups thawed COOL WHIP® Whipped Topping
2 Tbsp. butter or margarine
1 Tbsp. corn syrup
1 Tbsp. water

Directions:
BEAT cake mix, pudding mix, eggs, sour cream, oil, 1/2 cup water and 1/2 cup of the flavored instant coffee in large bowl with electric mixer on low speed just until moistened, scraping side of bowl often. Beat on medium speed 2 minutes or until well-blended. Chop 4 squares of the chocolate, stir into batter. Pour into 2 greased and floured 9-inch round cake pans.
BAKE at 350°F for 30 to 33 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 15 minutes; remove from pans. Cool on wire racks.
STIR remaining 1/4 cup flavored instant coffee into whipped topping. Place 1 cake layer on serving plate, spread with 2 cups of the whipped topping mixture. Top with second cake layer.
REFRIGERATE until ready to serve. Just before serving, microwave remaining 4 squares chocolate, butter, corn syrup and water in medium microwavable bowl on HIGH 1-1/2 minutes. Stir until chocolate is completely melted. Spread glaze over top of cake, allowing glaze to drip down side of cake.

Makes 12 to 16 servings.

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Welcome to Fuckland

Name: Donnie
Net alias(se): Ratan
Superhero name: Ratan Natas
Date of birth: Aug 12, 1977
Number of years online: Woah... it's now been nine years. Yikes
Where do you hail from?: South of Canada, North of Florida
How did you meet mayonessa?: alt.music.spice-girls, way back in the day
Condiment of choice: ketchup (or is that catsup?)
Favourite American Gladiator: honestly? I never watched that show. But I'll say Pyro anyway, because he had a cameo on the Simpsons a few times.
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: Whatever cheese goes into cheese enchiladas at the local Mexican restaurant
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: Is this Penthouse Forum?
Grace us with a haiku:

We got time to kill
Drive the car through the river
I have insurance

Best bodily function: Mensturation! "Seriously guys, it's the time of the month where a guy bleeds out his ass for five days." - Eric Cartman
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): Dodo bird! Because it shares its name with a friend.
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: Ginger Spice. It's been years since I listneed to the Spice Girls, and even though I know Trevor Ashman will never read my answer, the reason I liked Ginger Spice best is the tits!
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: Whenver I'm close to a town with an iHop ;-)
exhaustion! yum!
Favourite non-descript man pose: This one: http://www.capnwacky.com/warning/9.html because electrocution is funny!
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: You know how I hate poetry, but every once in a while I'll find a poem that I love. I'm gonna quote two of them here:

Résumé by Dorothy Parker

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stains you;
And pills cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.


Embrace by Billy Collins

You know the parlor trick
Wrap your arms around your own body
And from the back it looks like someone is embracing you,
Her hands grasping your shirt,
Her fingernails teasing your neck.

From the front it is another story.
You never looked so alone,
your crossed elbows and screwey grin.
You could be waiting for a tailor
to fit you for a straightjacket,
one that would hold you really tight.

See Donnie's old profile!

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Name: Gail
Net alias(se): Isis,Savoy the Love Muffin O' Doom
Superhero name: Supermom?
Date of birth: 9/19/78
Number of years online: about 10ish
Where do you hail from?: The Republic of Texas
How did you meet mayonessa?: Through another friend of hers,Rene'
Condiment of choice: Anything spicy...jalepenos, habenero sauce..the spicier the better!
Favourite American Gladiator: Um..Hawk?
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: Yes. Velveta!
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: Um..nothing
Grace us with a haiku:

Strange cat here
Likes to eat own puke
Don't know why

Best bodily function: Burping..I am the QUEEN of burping
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): Unicorn
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: Baby Spice. Cuz she's the cutest?
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: 2 am
Favourite non-descript man pose: Hands on hips
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: Bob doesn't know cuz he's too busy gulping male virility pills and humping his wife!
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: Cherry Dumpcake

1 stick butter
1 pkg yellow cake mix
1 12oz can cherry pie filling

In a squarish pan, dump the cherry pie filling. Then dump the cake mix on top. Add the butter in little cut up squares. Bake at 350 degrees until butter melts and cake mix is crispity golden brown and cherries are slightly bubbly. Remove from oven and let cool. Eat. Best served with Bluebell's Homemade Vanilla Ice cream.

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Sulferous Love Crack

Name: Jarod
Net alias(se): <shrugs>
Superhero name: Captain Ass Spasm
Date of birth: In the 70's
Number of years online: 7
Where do you hail from?: Houston
How did you meet mayonessa?: At an all you can eat luncheon I was attending with Emma Bunton supporting donut makers everywhere.
Condiment of choice: green ketchup
Favourite American Gladiator: Sabre
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: yes, Swiss
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: Tango and Cash dvd
Grace us with a haiku: Awesome, oh wow! Like, totally freak me out! I mean, right on! The Toros sure are number one!
Best bodily function: pootin'
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): Dodo bird (tastes like jambalya)
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: Baby Spice. Fat girls need lovin' too.
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: after watching Oprah
Favourite non-descript man pose: the angry fart
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: Green is spelled g-r-i-n. Bob says what?
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: Donna Jo (see below) and I will be getting married on February 31, 2004. The them will be imaginary friends so bring as many as you like.

         @@@
        @. .@
        @\\=/@
        .- -.
       /(.|.)\\
       \\ ).( /
       \'( v )`
         \\|/
         (|)
         \'-`      

See Jarod's old profile!

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The Mainhall of Sir Narthring

Name: Michael
Net alias(se): Narthring, Acaledric
Superhero name: Super Michael
Website whorage: www.goats.com
Date of birth: March 28, 1978
Number of years online: 6 and a half
Where do you hail from?: hail comes from the sky, especially in Oklahoma where I'm from
How did you meet mayonessa?: I randomly messaged her on icq and started stalking her to the present day
Condiment of choice: Is this a trick question? Yes? No? Maybe? Well then, it's Mayo. :-o
Favourite American Gladiator: Turbo, because he was a bad-ass mofo who creamed the pasty white challengers!
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: I believe in GOATCHEESE! Fav: American Velveta! :-D
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: Putting off finding a pen and piece of paper to make an "action item" list
Grace us with a haiku:

My Red Leather Whip
I want to smack your bum more
Ph34r its evil power

Best bodily function: I don't know if it counts but I can make a noise with my hands, you know, the noise that accompanys Brak when he sings "Don't Touch Me!"
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): Armadillo, since I see them all the time along the road
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: I should say Geri since she has red hair, but Victoria seems more like the dominatrix type.
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: The only time I've eaten at one was around lunchtime, so I don't really have the background needed to give an informed opinion on this matter.
Favourite non-descript man pose: "Don't feed the alligators," featuring only non-descript man's upper torso visible from the jaws of a mean ol' but-not-hungry-for-long gator.
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: Because a red Kermit would have looked awful funny. Bob doesn't know because he REALLY didn't know about the plot. Really! So let him go already, k?
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: Birth announcement! My cat Beans is going to have kittens! Plans are already in the works to name them after beans, like Soy, Navy, ect. :-D No Ascii art, I understand that minors might see this stuff.

See Michael's old profile!

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Ogilthorpe's Jersey Page

Name: ogilthorpe
Net alias(se): Gay focker
Superhero name: gooman
Date of birth: 3/15
Number of years online: 8
Where do you hail from?: Illinois
How did you meet mayonessa?: from my mom
Condiment of choice: relish/cocktail sauce
Favourite American Gladiator: Jeremy Roenick
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: mozarella
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: Go fu*k yourself
Grace us with a haiku: See "Wayne's World" - thank you Alice
Best bodily function: jype
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): Cheetah
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: Ginger Spice! Nice TI*S,cute as*, Does her father own a liquor store?
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: After i've had many beers, now would be a good time
Favourite non-descript man pose: man on the water heater being scalded
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: green makes me horny, thats fuckin why! Any other fucking questions for goodness sake. Fuck Bob!
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: Great looking baby will make you millions some day, can you say painted baby, look out Johnny Carson.

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Mousehands, the Hub of the Antithesis of Homepages
We Love Laurence

Name: Philip
Net alias(es): Ligur, Ligsy, Yucky Philip, Basket!
Superhero name: dark mac avenger - scurge of the innocent! avenger of the vile!
Website whorage: http://mousehands.co.uk
http://welovelaurence.com
Date of birth: 27 November 1976
Number of years online: since early 96, how ever many years that makes it at the time of reading depends on the thing, there...
Where do you hail from?: leeds, where the whorecows roam
How did you meet mayonessa?: irc, #amsg - sister channel to the grandest of off-topic newsgroups, alt.music.spice-girls. I drifted in, enticed by the tales of enemas and ceiling fan suspended sanitary products. what can I say, I was hooked instantly
Condiment of choice: stolen dried chillis, wrapped in clingfilm and aluminium foil
Favourite American Gladiator: rusty the animal based redneck... he's a kind of squirrel-badger combo, with a huge shotgun shoved down his pants.
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: I bow before the deity that is cheese! may its glorious light shine upon me... I belong to the edam sect, who may or may not get violent against those who are sinful in our eyes.
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: to start writing my "action item" list... *frowns*
Grace us with a haiku:

she's mayonessa
well, mostly but not always
goat incest is nice

Best bodily function: cherry koolaid drooling... or is it blood? who wants to lick my stained chin and find out?
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): do humans count? if not, I would have to go for some kind of unhappy panda.
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: I like Emma! she's the most talented one, as you can tell from her almost complete publicity lack and fierce killing skills...
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: this might just be the ultimate ihop eating experience... get a taco bell at 3:59am on a saturday morning... sneak your newly purchased beef gordita baja without tomatoes and chicken nacho cheese chalupas into the House at approximately 4:17, and create a new kind of pancake all of your own...

must not forget the fire sauce.
Favourite non-descript man pose: putting litter in its place! it's pretty close to being bent over, which is always nice and fruity.
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: the girl with the blue hair called me to explain her actions in 1998... when you hear them, you will cry a single tear. it's so tragic! all the mysteries of green, of bob, of jeremy will be revealed in a shining moment of personal growth... and then, when the world learns it, revolution will follow.
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: take one can of redbull, adding it to 50g of icecream... drink, carefully.

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Ne-Chan.net

Name: Rene
Net alias(se): madvamp16, nechan, Ray, and....Rene.
Superhero name: La ChupaCornbread, judicious purveyor of sexy vengeance! *cymbal crash!*
Website whorage: At the moment, all atrocities of mine have been wiped clean...they serve as an image folder now.
Date of birth: Sept. 21, 1983
Number of years online: Hmmm....4 years? 5?
Where do you hail from?: The exciting and often dangerous world of the midwest.
How did you meet mayonessa?: Through the being formerly known as Lexx.
Condiment of choice: Crisco
Favourite American Gladiator: Thunder...something or other.
Do you believe in Cheese? If so, what's your favourite kind of cheese/diety?: Oh, how I love my cheeses. Cheese...from around the world. I'm quite fond of monteray jack.
What's at the top of your "action item" list?: Batman's utility belt. Man, that thing has everything!
Grace us with a haiku:

Runnin' on empty,
My internal fuel gauge is low.
Pour me some coffe.

Best bodily function: The female orgasm. Heh.
Dead animal of your choice (endangered species preferred): The revered chunky woman.
Who is your favourite Spice Girl? Explain: ...please, dont make me answer this...my brain will implode.
When is the best time to eat at iHop, in your humble opinion?: 3 am...also, Perkins and Walmart are funny to visit at this time.
Favourite non-descript man pose: This one. It's just SO FUNNY!
Why green? And why doesn't Bob know?: Because green is the color for sexual arousal, and bob is too busy trapaising around with Jay.
OBrecipe/birth announcement/ascii art: ....meh?

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You are, btw, the person to venture here.

If you're one of my friends, and you're outraged because I forgot you, please email me and I'll send you the necessary info. Anyone else who has comments, questions, etc can also drop me some mail... I'd love to hear from you no matter what, cos let's be honest, none of these people are real and I'm lonely.

This page was last updated 5/21/2005 @ 1:49 pm.

©1999-2005 mayonessa. So bite me.